'A Feeling of Uncertainty"

Today, I have decided to move out from my home and just be a man on my own. I've always wanted to do this ever since I graduated from college.


But why does it took me almost three years to decide? Simple, because I still cannot stand on my own during those times. Even up until now, I'm not sure if I can solely support my self, financially speaking. I don't even have a place to move in to.


But why move out if I cannot still support my self? Simple again, because I had enough. I'm so tired of this prison like status. I want Freedom!


Free from the obligation and the responsibility of asking permission every time I go out of the house. Free from the idea that I have to go home early just so mu Mom wont worry. Free from every thing that is holding me back from doing what I Love and what I want.


Freedom.


In two weeks time.


And I hope that is the time.


But then, even if we are literally free from those walls, we are still a prisoner of our own. Imprisoned by the things that we wanted in life. Or even the things that we don't want to be a part in our history.


And so I realize. I'm not completely free. I'm imprison from the thought that I might be just waiting in vain. But' it's a risk that I am taking.


Caught in between, I guess. Or just plain uncertainty.


Also this day I loss a certain belonging that is really valuable to me. I'm so attached to it that I cannot even think right. Even right now as I am writing this blog. I just spend almost an hour searching for it the second time around. i have looked at the same places and places that I never had checked before.


That certain item is a doll. Me and my ex-girlfriend named it "Xavynne Rei" a.k.a. "Gamay". It serves as a sign of our relationship back then. But more than that, both me and my ex' treat it as if it's a real child, simply because it serves as our comfort zone.


Bottom line is, it's really special and I don't want it just to disappear.


Yesterday, me and my Pop's had a little quarrel. It's not actually a quarrel. I't more of like me trying to defend my self and him throwing out accusations that is not true.


The thing that I hate the most is accusing me of things I didn't commit and insulting me with with it. This incident is one of the reasons that I had decided to move out. It triggered me to actually decide to go away for peace sake's. I left the house just to cool my self down. Due to my anger towards what my father just accused me of, I left him with an insult via text message that indicates his own short comings as a father.


By that alone, I thought, it might be a reason for him to hide my doll as a revenge in return to what I had said, or worst threw my doll to garbage. And that I cannot tolerate.


All my life he kept on destroying and throwing away every thing that would make me happy. He is the Hitler of my life, the virus in my system, and so on...


Despite the idea, I still tried looking for my Doll until dawn. I was so sad about my loss I even try asking God not to let this happen. For the first time, after almost four years, I cried again.


I needed some one to talk with. Someone I could share the burden of this feelings of loss. So I contacted my ex-girlfriend and told her about our missing doll. She was in tears when she heard me say it and my heart was crushed.


We talked and had a little quarrel. Then she said, "If it's meant to be then probably we are really not meant for each other. May be we should really just forget about each other", while crying.


I also hit me, may be she was right. But still, I don't want to loose my comfort zone. The only thing that would make me at peace in times of despair and loneliness is 'Gamay'.


We went for a midnight snack just to keep our minds off of it, for the mean time. Got home and laid on the sofa bed. Unknowingly I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning it was 9.36am. I was supposed to go somewhere for volunteer work, but it was too late. Literally too late. So I stood up, and the first thing that came into mind is texting a 'Good Morning' to this special someone that I'm dating. Let's name her "Nice".


Yes, not my ex' and not my 'Gamay', but I was thinking about Nice.


Then afterwards I remembered about "Gamay". I tried looking for 'Gamay' again, but still no luck. Not a single sign of her. So I took a break, checked my Facebook account, and at the same time writing this Blog. Also, I received a reply from Nice.


She was going out somewhere after she could check her Facebook too. So both of us are online and checking things out. She was posting some music videos and was there on the look out ready to strike the 'like' button.


Then my Ex' texted and she was checking out about me. She updated her status saying that she's going to a Lunch date with her Supervisor, on which I did not give a damn. The next thing I knew, she's asking about Gamay and if I had already found her.


She was frustrated by the way. As if she had a few hours of amnesia and then remembered that her baby Gamay is missing. I don't know what she was doing and where she is, but she just posted something in Facebook appreciating a certain person (probably her suitor) for being there for her (and I was like, B*ll-Sh*t!).


I shouldn't had opened my old account. I was a little affected about that, and then it hit me, 


          "Maybe it was meant for Gamay to disappear? Maybe this is what it means. Move on and totally forget about her. She's not mine any way, I dumped her for the sake of saving her from my parents, so it was my loss."


But wait,


          "How about Nice, am I just pursuing a dream that has no assurance of coming true? Or maybe this is just a test."


So after I could continue writing I realize,


           "Am I troubled because I'm caught in the middle, or am I just in a state of Plane Uncertainty?"


But what ever the case is, this is what I want; 
     'I can let go of the pass as long as there is a future ahead.'


And about Gamay, I still want to locate her. She's all that is left to remind me that anything can be OK. :(